Black Meringue

Masters of Ceremony

Not every couple today wants to celebrate their union with a strict religious ceremony. Rosie Fuller talks to couples who tried something different

When her partner Tony proposed out of the blue, Belinda Sircombe-Jellett was completely shocked. “I’d never considered myself the marrying type, mainly because of the church side of marriage,” she says. “Neither Tony nor I are at all religious and I didn’t see the point in standing in a church in front of so many people, saying things I didn’t feel comfortable with.”
So she and her husband-to-be contacted an interfaith minister, who offered them a new perspective on marriage.

“Suddenly it all seemed to become clear. Annie showed us that a wedding wasn’t just about church but loads of other things too. I began to understand why I should choose marriage – there was a much clearer path.”
‘Interfaith’ in this sense does not simply mean involving people of different religions to one another. Interfaith ministers believe in serving the spiritual needs of others no matter what their faith, if indeed they have one at all. An interfaith wedding offers an alternative to couples who do not want to get married in a religious establishment, but who still want a spiritual side to their wedding. One of the joys of such a ceremony is that it can take place anywhere, at any time, and can be exactly what the couple wants – the sky’s the limit.

“We got married in Spain, in some mountains near Seville,” continues Belinda, a human performance manager in the rally racing business. “My family’s Irish but I don’t really feel that I am, so I didn’t want to go to Ireland. Tony is from New Zealand. We found this place in Spain just by chance really.

“It was a full moon weekend. We held the ceremony at 8pm as it was so hot, on a hill behind a monastery under huge umbrella palm trees in a field of wild flowers. We made a circle with ourselves in the middle so everyone could see and hear us. The sun was going down so there was this incredible golden light against the blue sky, with amazing birdsong in the background. We had an English guitarist play the most moving music.”

One of the most important parts of an interfaith wedding is the vows, which the couple write themselves with help from the minister. “Our vows were completely different to the traditional ones,” says Belinda. “We said what we felt were our weaknesses, what our hopes for the future were and what we felt was important to the relationship. They were difficult to say in front of all those people, as they meant so much.”

I asked Belinda what both families thought about their wedding, as it was so different from the norm. “Our families were prepared to go along with whatever we wanted,” she replied. “We’d already had a naming ceremony for our son, which my grandmother hadn’t attended as she’s very traditional and didn’t see it as a real Christening. But she loved the wedding – I think because it was so raw, so emotional.”

Annie Blampied is the interfaith minister who conducted Belinda and Tony’s wedding. She explains that she can put the couples she marries into three loose groups. “The first type is those of different religions to each other. I have seen a real increase in the demand for interfaith weddings as we live in such a multi-cultural society. People from different religions are falling in love. The very first wedding I ever did was between a German Christian woman and a Turkish Muslim. We had both Christian and Muslim prayers at the ceremony which combined elements of the two religions.”

Marrying someone from a different religion can be taken very seriously by the families involved. But Annie says families are usually very accepting:
“Obviously the people who come to me are pioneering in their views. Quite often the families are sceptical, but it’s usually more along the lines of ‘What’s our crazy Julie doing this time?’ But during the ceremony everyone’s hearts just melt, because everyone believes in love.

“I occasionally have problems with Jewish families as they have this concept of ‘marrying out.’ But I also offer counselling for the couple and their families, which can help.”
The second type of couple who come to Annie are those who want something spiritual but whose needs are not met by traditional religions. “These people believe in God, but they don’t necessarily find him in church,” Annie says. “They still want the spiritual dimension to their wedding, which is why they come to me.”

The third type of people are atheists. “These weddings see one half of the couple, usually the man, claiming to be an atheist, but who is so in love with his other half that he doesn’t mind an element of religion at the ceremony.”

I notice when Annie is talking that she doesn’t say “atheists,” but “people who claim to be atheists.”

“I find that people who say they are atheists have an incredible integrity,” she explains. “They don’t believe in using God’s name as a way of demonstrating power or dogma, or misusing it in any other way. But someone who was that committed an atheist wouldn’t come to me, they would go to a register office.”

Annie is legally ordained and did her two-year training to become an interfaith minister with the Interfaith Seminary, an organisation that trains people to become non-denominational ministers and counsellors. It is not designed as a rival to traditional religions, but rather as an addition to promote respect, reconciliation, forgiveness and fellowship. The Seminary believes there is one God and one Truth. As Annie says: “I recognise that there is one God, the God of love, who transcends religion.”

Annie’s ceremonies aren’t recognised as a legal marriage in England, although they are in Scotland and abroad. Therefore couples who Annie is marrying in England usually go to the register office first to do the legal bit, and then hold the true ceremony with her afterwards. Hannah and Jim Allen, both actors who live in Brighton, were married by Annie in Brighton’s famously magnificent Hanbury Ballroom. Hannah explains how combining the register office with the ceremony worked: “There were two parts to our ceremony. I didn’t have high expectations about the first bit, where you have to do the legal part, but actually it’s really moving. Marriage is a serious thing – you give away your name and become a team – so it was a perfect balance of seriousness and soul.”

When a couple first expresses interest in an interfaith wedding, Annie will meet up with them to get to know both the bride and groom and to form an idea of what they want. She finds out the couple’s background, and when they leave after the first meeting she gives them a list of about 10 questions so she can learn more about their requirements.

“Annie asked us some probing questions and really made us think about the journey we were embarking on – wonderful,” says Hannah, who grew up in a Catholic family. “You take it for granted that you know what your partner wants. She gave us a questionnaire and it was really good to think about it in your own space and to hear what your partner thinks. Really special.

“Then we had to think about the ceremony – for example, whether we wanted the guests to interact,” continues Hannah. “We decided that we did – I think that’s something missing from a register office, and especially with my religious background it was something I wanted.

“It’s all about finding a way to get married that’s right for the two of you. Jim is not religious and didn’t see marriage as something for him at first. He wasn’t comfortable in a church, but he also knew marriage was more than just signing a paper. It was so nice to see that there was another option – a way that was spiritual as well as lawful.”

I expected Annie to be scornful of traditional wedding vows, but on the contrary, she told me: “The traditional vows are beautiful. Most couples base their vows on these but personalise them – put them in their own language. For example one woman included ‘I will cook for you when you’re ill’ in a list of more serious points in her vow. It was really funny, but also it meant something as all of the guests knew that this woman was a very bad cook and that her husband loved cooking. The sincerity of the vows touches everyone.”

Hannah agrees: “The vows were the heart of the ceremony really. You get the chance to say what it is you really want to say or promise. Mine and Jim’s were completely different – Jim’s was more of a love-poem while mine followed a traditional structure. I didn’t find it difficult to say in front of all those people because they were all such good friends of ours. They just sort of formed a warm, intimate background.”

Annie puts a great deal of time and effort in to getting each ceremony exactly right for the couple involved. She writes the ceremony and then prints it out on a beautiful image and puts everything together in a folder so the couple have something to cherish afterwards. “I will have done nine weddings this year by the end of the season, and to me that’s a lot as each one is so personal,” she explains. “It’s a tremendously fun job.”

Lucy Berchoud and Kate Donoghue

Lucy Berchoud and Kate Donoghue, both 40 from Bristol, married in Buckland Hall in the Brecon Beacons. They liked the idea of an interfaith wedding as it was all-embracing, welcoming and inclusive, especially as they come from two different religious backgrounds: Kate is Catholic whereas Lucy comes from an atheist family but grew up in a Jewish part of London. The couple also wanted a spiritual dimension to their wedding, and didn’t think they’d find it in a register office.

Lucy, a science communicator at the Bristol Science Museum, explains that the guests loved the ceremony. “They didn’t really realise that it was an interfaith wedding in advance, it was more about relating to Annie as a person. Everyone liked her.”

Kate, a clinical child psychologist, adds: “As a Catholic, my father was very interested about Annie’s training – he wanted to know how many years she’d done and that sort of thing. But I think for us, our families were surprised there was any spiritual level at all. As it was a civil partnership it was never going to be conventional, so I think everyone was surprised by how traditional it was – it followed the same lines as a traditional ceremony. We were both given away by our fathers and we said vows as usual.”

Robb and Lucy Cunningham

Robb and Lucy Cunningham chose to have an interfaith wedding as neither of them have a specific religion, but they still wanted the ceremony to have a sense of ritual. They got married deep in some bluebell woods, as they felt it was important that they were wed outside. “If there is any sense of religion I think that you feel it outside,” explains Lucy, who is 27. “Being under the trees was powerful and magical, yet at the same time it was serene.
“We had three drummers lead us in and out of the woods, so we felt like a king and queen!” she continues. “We had the reception in two tents, with kind of a Moroccan theme. It was very intimate – we got to talk to all the guests.”

As well as the more usual aspects of a wedding, such as exchanging rings and vows, the couple drew on other traditions, including a handfasting. “Handfasting is an old British custom. We tied our hands together with rope – that’s where ‘tying the knot’ comes from,” laughs Lucy. “The ropes were different colours so they represented different parts of us – us as we are now and when we get older. They represented holding hands forever.”

BM