Black Meringue

Spit It Out!

“He hath played on this prologue like a child on a recorder: a sound, but not in government.” With these words, William Shakespeare expressed the unbridled agony that comes of having to listen to somebody making a rubbish speech. Here’s Dr Joseph Pridmore’s guide to avoiding such horridness at your own wedding.

A friend of mine once invited me to a big family do celebrating the marriage of his aunt, and during the wedding breakfast his infant brother was required to stand up and give a speech. As I listened to the great lubberly boy puling wretchedly on in his nasal, reedy voice, blundering through the jokes he didn’t understand and had been told by his parents to say, and watched Mummy, Daddy and the halfwit slatternly waitresses falling and fawning over the whole sorry spectacle, I remember thinking what a ghastly middle-class freakshow I’d found myself in and how it seemed I was forever cursed to be surrounded by incompetents. Having said that, it was kind of my friend to invite me to the wedding, I’m always, erm, appreciative to have friends. Otherwise I’d have just spent that evening sitting at home watching Star Trek.

But that moves me on nicely to the subject that has brought me back to the esteemed pages of Black Meringue: speeches. We’ve all had to sit through them, haven’t we? And if you bought this magazine because you’re planning nuptials of your own, first of all congratulations, and secondly you can be sure you’re going to be encountering a fair few speeches in the foreseeable future. Of course, it’s not just at weddings when we have to put up with some semi-literate burbling oaf who thinks he’s the best public speaker since George Garrett. The head boy’s speeches at my grammar school prizegivings spring to mind – for me it was difficult to take seriously words like ‘honour,’ ‘hallowed’ and ‘achievement’ when they came from the lips of a lad who I knew spent every lunchtime making bungled sexual advances on the third year girls. (Or, when it suited his academic goals, the headmaster, who as I recall was rather more appreciative of his overtures than the girls were.) And then there’s university graduation ceremonies, of which I’ve had loads, me, in which the head boy or girl-type gets to reprise their early oratory triumphs in a speech lauding their Alma Mater for all its tireless work. I ask you, if they’ve been to the library often enough to be able to praise its services, or know their lecturers’ names so they can thank them for always being there, then they haven’t exactly made the most of student life, have they?

But wedding speeches…no, let’s be fair, they’re pretty bad too. The world of film has tried to warn us about the grim experience of having your nuptial ceremonies disrupted by a public speaker who should really have remained private, with numerous cautionary examples in the shape of Steve Buscemi (“’Cause Harold, he’s always been the dependable one and I’ve always been the screwed-up one, right Dad?”), Adam Sandler (“Sir, one more outburst and I will strangle you with my microphone wire”) and Hugh Grant (“The fact that he’d slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage”). Wouldn’t it be so much better to have speakers at your wedding who were more akin to Rupert Everett, standing up and singing I Say a Little Prayer and commanding the respect of everybody in that seafood restaurant?

So how is this to be achieved? Well, unaccustomed as Black Meringue is to public speaking, if I could say a few words, they’d be about ways in which to ensure that the speech-makers at your wedding remain part of the noble institution of public oration, and don’t end up sounding like they should be in the local institution instead.

Try the instruction manual

When one thinks of sparkling wit and scintillating loquacity, one invariably thinks of Alan Partridge. But the king of Norwich Radio didn’t get there by himself: he’s the first to announce that when it comes to making a public address, Nigel Rees’s book of humorous graffiti is “The Qur’an for the after-dinner speaker.” With this worthy volume in hand, even the most inexperienced raconteur can have the audience in the palm of his hand thanks to such lavatory wall bon mots as “I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” All this, Alan is keen to remind us, is a far cry from the cruder graffiti so often seen today, which is more along the lines of ‘Touch my this; suck my such-and-such; something all over my whatever.’

Leaving this last aside, however, the estimable Mr Partridge is close to having the right idea. If you’re drawing a blank when it comes to inspiration for your speech on the big day, one of the most sensible things you can do is turn to a book for help. There’s a whole host of volumes out there dedicated to getting you through your nerve-wracking duties, and obtaining one needn’t break the bank: even a cursory scan of second-hand online bookshop AbeBooks turns up a long list of these at incredible prices (many under a pound). Prospective Best Men who are hoping to present themselves a little better than the rest should check out Phillip Khan-Panni’s Be the Best Best Man and Make a Stunning Speech! There’s also John Bowden’s snappily-titled Making a Wedding Speech: How to Face the Big Occasion with Confidence and Carry It Off with Style, but be warned, if Bowden’s tips on speech-making are as succinct as the name of his book, you might not have finished reading it by the time the wedding day comes around. The following are also well worth a glance, containing guidance that’ll be helpful for all members of the congregation who are thinking of standing up and giving it a go:

• Gordon Stretch, Wedding Speeches
• Barbara Jeffrey, Wedding Speeches and Toasts
• Lee Jarvis, Wedding Speeches, Getting it Right
• Various contributors, Speeches: What to Say at Weddings and When to Say It

Another literary tip in this area comes from the great Stephen King. The author of some of the biggest-selling horror novels of the 20th century might seem an unlikely name to associate with weddings, but in his novella The Library Policeman he provides a word of advice that might help prevent your speech from becoming a real-life horror story. Include a short poem to wrap up your address, says King, because “you’re apt to find that your listeners will remember a well-chosen verse even if they forget everything else.” Especially if they’re pie-eyed by that time, Stephen King’s character adds, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that some of the gallants at your wedding might be planning to enjoy a small drink.

Now, by a well-chosen verse I don’t mean a Shakespearean sonnet that you remember from school. Everybody who has ever had to deliver at speech at a wedding has contemplated using ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day’ or ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments’, and most of them have gone on to use them. Indeed, if you pick one of these for your speech then it’s 10 to one it’ll show up in the ceremony beforehand, and you’ll be left there at the head of the table limply repeating what the congregation’s heard once already that day and looking like the very worst sort of booby. No, dust off those redoubtable research skills instead and track down some little-known anthology of obscure poets, then locate in it a verse that, to you, sums up the couple getting married or the whole ceremony itself. Remember, if you can find a poem that you hadn’t heard of before, then chances are none of the people listening to your speech will have heard it either. And that’ll transform their reactions from “Oh God, not ‘marriage of true minds’ yet again, I wish I was dead” to “Ooh, my poetic knowledge has just been broadened, and who’d have thought it, today of all days?”

Remember, using any high-literary source to spice up your wedding speeches can only be a good idea, when you bear in mind that some raconteurs rely firmly on the other end of the printed-media spectrum. I’ve heard public speakers trying to break the ice by working laboriously through one of those spam emails listing the most amusing double entendres to occur in letters to the council. That’d play well at a wedding, wouldn’t it? Picture the scene: your Best Man stands up, pings his glass with his fork, clears his throat, and the next second is chortling out: “My toilet’s blocked and I have nowhere to bath the children.” Now picture the deathly silence that follows. Save for a distant howling of wind and the noise of a tumbleweed blowing across the marquee.

All the books listed here can be obtained at www.abebooks.co.uk, including several of Nigel Rees’s graffiti collections if Alan Partridge’s arguments have suitably swayed you.

A spell for the refreshment of the spirit

In The Voyage of The Dawn Treader, C S Lewis’s fifth book from The Chronicles of Narnia (which I’d certainly imagine will be the third one they film, after the upcoming Prince Caspian – remember, you read it in Black Meringue first), Lucy Pevensie is looking through the book of spells belonging to the magician Coriakin, and she comes across one “for the refreshment of the spirit.” As she reads on, Lucy finds that the spell is more like a story: “the loveliest story I’ve ever read or shall read in my whole life,” says she. And although after reading it she can’t remember any of its events, and is unable to turn the enchanted pages back to read it again, the effect that the words had upon her stay with Lucy forevermore. That’s because, says C S Lewis, a good story is the same thing as a magic spell for the refreshment of the spirit. A tale well-written and well-told works wonderful witchcraft on all those who hear it, and if Lewis can be heard to add: “Sort of like these books that I write,” then fair play to him, it’s justifiable pride.

So, assuming for a moment that a paralytic Best Man incoherently burbling out recollections of the groom’s humiliations at primary school doesn’t sound like it’s going to bring much of the old feel-good factor, why not do away with the speeches altogether and turn instead to the ancient art of storytelling? That’s where Three Stories High can help. This unique company specialises in public readings at big events, and weddings are right up its street. Three Stories High can weave a tale for you at your bridal shower, your hen party or the big day itself, bringing entertainment, laughter and fun to the celebrations and maybe just a little bit of wisdom too.

Kerry, the leading light at Three Stories High, spoke to me about the huge repertoire of stories she can provide. With a background in literature and foreign languages, Kerry knows the fables, folklore and fairytales of dozens of different cultures across the globe. With experience in the performing arts and in primary school teaching too, Kerry’s more than happy to be in front of large crowds of people. “What stories I’ll tell depends on what you want, and what style of wedding it is,” Kerry explains. “With children, for example, it’s a good holding activity. If there are some little bridesmaids who are getting a bit overexcited, a story about marriage or love gives the children a focus and keeps their attention. With elderly relatives, if things are getting a bit much for them, a story’s a good sedate activity that makes them feel they’ve got something special out of the day.”

Although she can work with people of any age group, Kerry says her stories are at their best when enjoyed by a large gathering or family. “Stories bring people together at a wedding,” she told me. “Guests who’ve never spoken before come away with a shared experience that they can talk and laugh about. Likewise at a hen party, where my listeners will be mature women, I try to give them something that’ll be relevant to them and a bit meaningful. My stories here will be amusing, but they’ll also have some life lessons in them. I’ll give them one or two cautionary examples and hopefully some inspiration too, so that they’ll go out there and make their marriage work.”

Storytelling, of course, has been a cornerstone of civilisation for as long as civilisation has existed. The Mesopotamian legend of Gilgamesh is the single oldest tale that we have, and the Homeric myths of Ancient Greece provided narrative structures that are central to all stories today. The earliest surviving work of English literature, Beowulf, was released as a film in 2007, indicating that our literary heritage is just as significant now as it ever was. There’s no doubting that Three Stories High are part of proud tradition.

But times change. Samuel Richardson published his novel Pamela; or, Virtue Rewarded in 1741 (back when the whole idea of a novel was something pretty, well, novel – you might be wasting your time looking for a cheap first edition of this one on AbeBooks), and the people of his hometown arranged for it to be publicly read aloud on the village green, from cover to cover, over the course of one long, hot, summer’s day. When the story finally ended with the heroine’s marriage, which was around dusk for the villagers who had been faithfully listening all day, they rushed to the church and rang the bells in celebration. It’s almost impossible to imagine such a event taking place today. In this age of high-definition TVs and blu-ray discs, where we can instantaneously download our favourite shows and music to a simple handheld device, is anybody actually still prepared to sit down and be told a story?

Kerry is emphatic as she tells me that yes, they are. “What I do is something a little different. When some of the guests hear about it they think: ‘A story? I’m an adult! I don’t want Hansel and Gretel!’ But then I tell the tale, and it touches them because it shows them something about themselves they hadn’t thought of before. Truth is the gem that lies twinkling at the heart of every story, and that’s what I give them: a truth. It’s that little moment of having your eyes opened, of saying to yourself ‘a-ha!’ that makes the experience so worthwhile.”

Three Stories High can provide all the stories for your big day that you require, and will recite them at any number of different intervals throughout the day. Contact Kerry for a friendly and informative discussion of all your needs:

T: 07813 276747
E: threestorieshigh@googlemail.com

And just before I finish by toasting the happy couple...

Speaking of stories, that brings us onto the moral of this one. Though I've flung a great deal of advice at you here, if you just remember the following lines over everything else, I'm sure you won't go far wrong. We’ll return to Shakespeare, same play, same act, same scene as the one we started with:
"A good moral, my lord: it is not enough to speak, but to speak true."

And if all else fails…

Here’s an emergency list of one-liners that’ll guarantee you go down in history, if not in flames:

• They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet (Mae West)
• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others (Oscar Wilde)
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine
• Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
• Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible

BM